The Lord of the Bargain Ring
by hiddendreamland
Summary: This is a story about the Bargain Ring. There is going to be some screwed up stuff in here. Possible usage of slash. J.R.R. Tolkien would be twisting madly in his grave from this. R for sex, usage of drugs, violence, and language.
1. The Bargain Ring

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, obviously. Some of the characters in this are mine. Just a few though. They'll come into the story when they do.  
  
Rated R for: This is rated R because it should be rated R.  
  
Read and Review please.  
  
Note: This idea came from a late night session of writing where I had with caffeine and potato chips.  
  
  
  
The Lord of the Bargain Ring  
  
  
  
Chapter 1  
  
The Bargain Ring  
  
  
  
Frodo stocked the shelves at Bilbo's Bargain Warehouse. Ever since he had to live with Bilbo he had made Frodo work for him. Hobbits roamed around the store looking at the cheap hobbit weed and clothing along with other products like Furry Feet Shampoo. Cheaply made with high prices. Bilbo had invested some of his treasures into opening this giant store. Thought he would put the use Frodo to work there to earn his keep.  
  
Sam worked in the gardening department. Sold hoes (The garden tool you pervert), shovels, plant bulbs among with other products. He sat there on a little wooden stool twiddling his thumbs.  
  
"Sam," yelled Frodo across the store, "Can you put up the ladies hobbit bras? I have to finish stocking the.ahem.Personal products over here."  
  
"Okay," yelled Sam back as he left his station at the gardening department. He got the rack of bras and set them up in the Ladies section but they he heard a soft hissing noise. Then a voice.  
  
"Yessss," said the voice of Bilbo Baggins himself, "It's mine, my own, my precioussss. Oh my love, my darling, if you were not an inanimate object how I would do sssuch dirty thingssss to you."  
  
Sam raised his eyebrows at Bilbo who stood in the middle of the toy aisle stroking something in his hand. It looked remotely like a cheap yellow ring made of plastic with a picture of a cat painted onto it. "He's nuts," thought Sam as he walked away shaking his head.  
  
Frodo finished stocking the personal products as he heard a familiar voice in back of him. "Still stocking shelves Frodo Baggins?"  
  
Frodo turned around and looked at Gandalf, "Where the fuck have you been?" Frodo asked, "You said in your letter you would be here a 4 weeks ago?  
  
"Well excuse me! Aren't we feisty today? You know I still am running that club down at Isengard with Saruman," said the exasperated Gandalf.  
  
"So your club over us?" replied Frodo.  
  
"Basically," said Gandalf. "Listen I'm going to go see Bilbo, you cool down while I'm gone."  
  
"Right," said Frodo and also said in an undertone, "Bitch."  
  
Gandalf disappeared then returned saying, "That psycho is talking to a ring. Dummy!"  
  
"That's weird," said Frodo.  
  
"Totally," replied Gandalf scratching his chin, "Perhaps I should look into this? Get some help? Like you know funny plastic rings can cause huge problems."  
  
"Yeah right," said Frodo quite uninterested.  
  
Suddenly Bilbo streaked past them naked saying he was going to go live with the elves and be free. Nudist kind of free guessed Frodo.  
  
Gandalf raised his eyebrow at the naked Bilbo who had ran out of the door, "Oh my staff, he is so queer."  
  
Frodo nodded. "So I guess I don't have to work this lame job anymore?"  
  
"Don't know," said Gandalf, "Whatever floats your boat I guess. Hey look it's the ring Bilbo was stroking." Gandalf picked up the ring and examined. "So weird. You know what Frodo I reckon you should hold on to this and Bilbo's store. They belong to you now. You could always live here now."  
  
"Gee," said Frodo, "What a life."  
  
"Totally," replied Gandalf thoughtfully. "Anyway, I am gonna go read some books about magic rings with picture of cats on them. I bet there is tons of information on it."  
  
Frodo thought Gandalf was being sarcastic but they realized he wasn't as Gandalf left in a hurry. "Was he wearing a dress?" thought Frodo to himself.  
  
Sam walked up to Frodo and said, "Yo, where's Bilbo?"  
  
"Left. Went nuts, don't ask," replied Frodo.  
  
"Okay."  
  
Months went by with no word from Gandalf. Frodo kept stocking the shelves and working his hobbit ass off along with Sam.  
  
Next month Gandalf returned bustling into the store in a light blue jogging outfit. "Like, oh my god Frodo! Let me see the ring!"  
  
Frodo reached into a little box that had old chewing up wrappers and a techno cd and got out the ring and handed into to Gandalf. "What's up?" asked Frodo.  
  
Gandalf disappeared into the back room for a few minutes then came back. "This ring is weird. Come here Frodo."  
  
Frodo walked into the back room as Gandalf stuffed the ring in his hand then turned off the lights; "Frodo is it doing anything special?"  
  
Frodo looked at the ring and said, "Yeah it's glowing red. And look at the pretty little words. What do they said?"  
  
"It is the language of Mordor and in common tongue they read, "Made in China."  
  
Frodo gasped. Gandalf turned on the lights and said, "This bad Frodo. We have to get rid of it. Stay here and I'll get help."  
  
Gandalf left and Frodo stood there with the ring in his hand. He left the room and told Sam what had happened. "So what it glows?" asked Sam, "So does my retainer," he opened his mouth showing his glowing retainer.  
  
Frodo shook his head; "This ring is pure evil. It's going to curse us."  
  
For another two months Frodo went on working along with Sam. But one day, one special day a man walked into the store. A real man. Tall as crap too. He wore black boots, a long black overcoat, and jeans. He also looked like he carried a sword under his coat.  
  
"Excuse me," said Frodo to the man, "Can I help you?"  
  
"You Frodo?" asked the man in a gruff voice.  
  
"Sure am," said Frodo.  
  
"You have to come with me," said the man.  
  
Sam ran up and said, "I'm coming too. You're not leaving me alone here to work."  
  
"Shut up Sam," said Frodo. "Maybe I don't want to come."  
  
"Well you are," replied the man.  
  
Just then two mischievous hobbits bustled in. "Dude!" exclaimed one of them, "We totally just robbed Farmer Maggot!"  
  
"Look Merry," said the other one, "A man."  
  
They stared at the man like he was a gigantic volcano exploding in front of their very own eyes.  
  
"Like, dude," said the one named Merry, "Pippin why is there a man here?"  
  
"Like I know," replied Pippin.  
  
"Frodo I am taking you. I'm going to help you with the secret object," said the man quickly.  
  
"The ring?" asked Frodo.  
  
"SHHH!" shushed the man. "Don't let everyone know!"  
  
"Cool," said Sam.  
  
"We want to come," said Pippin.  
  
"Yeah!" said Merry too.  
  
The man looked at them, "Damn it, when it comes to you hobbits you always have to come in package deals. Very well."  
  
The man led them out of Bilbo's Bargain Warehouse and led them on a journey. It would take days, nights. They traveled. Frodo got hurt a lot because he was quite wimpy. This guy in a black dress and hood even stabbed him. That's all he could remember of the journey at least.  
  
He was asleep. Who was massaging his stomach like that? He opened his eyes, "Sam?"  
  
"Yay! You're awake," cried Sam.  
  
Gandalf sat there too and said, "You're in Rivendell. Ritzy elf place. Saruman is so our enemy now. He wants your magic glowing ring and he turned our club into his own personal partying place! Bitch!"  
  
Frodo frowned. He didn't understand what was going on.  
  
"Frodo," said Gandalf once more, "We have to destroy this ring. We have to take it to the Mall and throw it into the Fountain of Doom there where it would become covered in pennies that everyone throws in and disappears forever! Besides the water will just made it get soggy and stuff."  
  
"Why do they want this ring?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Cause it's really neato!" replied Gandalf enthusiastically. "But it is evil. So there."  
  
"Gandalf says you're going to meet the ritzy leader of this joint. His name is Elrond. That's really cool Frodo, elves are radical," said little Sam.  
  
"Where's Pippin and Merry?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Around," said Gandalf.  
  
  
  
While they were talking away and nursing Frodo back to good health (That little wimp) help would be arriving by a man, a dwarf, and an elf.  
  
End of Chapter 1  
  
  
  
I'm thinking of getting some slash involved. Tell me what you think.  
  
Stay around for chapter 2!!! 


	2. The Fellowship of the Bargain Ring

The Lord of the Bargain Ring  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings nor the main characters in LOTR. I have thrown in a few of my own to add some spice.  
  
Note: I made a few minor typos last chapter. Hopefully nobody will notice them too much. Wrote it at 2:00 A.M. in the morning. Think I did okay. Got one review! Woohoo! Someone liked my story. Very cool. Hope to get more reviews.  
  
  
  
The Lord of the Bargain Ring  
  
Chapter 2  
  
The Bargain Ring in Rivendell  
  
  
  
Frodo continued talking with Gandalf and Sam. Gandalf left to go talk to Elrond while Sam and Frodo played TIC-TAC-TOE with permanent markers on the lovely white sheets of the bed.  
  
"Like Elrond, big problems. This ring, like what are your ideas? I'm so upset over Saruman," said Gandalf.  
  
"Can't have that little wimpy hobbit go by himself," replied Elrond thoughtfully.  
  
"For sure," said Gandalf."  
  
"So I guess we should have a meeting or something, right?" asked Elrond.  
  
"A meeting for what?" asked Gandalf confused.  
  
"Well I have invited some guys here. Figured we could have a meeting. Decide how to handle getting this ring destroyed," replied Elrond puffing up his chest proudly.  
  
"So smart," said Gandalf admiringly.  
  
Just then an elf maiden entered the room wearing very skimpy attire bringing in a pitcher of water and two glasses. "I've brought your water, Elrond sir."  
  
"Ahh thank you Nataliawen!" exclaimed Elrond.  
  
Nataliawen poured the water into the glasses and handed one to Gandalf and one to Elrond. "Will you need anything else sir?" she asked in her Marilyn Monroe kind of voice.  
  
"Uh, yes," said Elrond winking at her seductively.  
  
"Sick," said Gandalf to himself.  
  
Nataliawen left them alone as Gandalf looked back at Elrond. "So a meeting eh?" he asked. "Who is coming?"  
  
"Some dwarves, elves you know the blonde kind, and some men. They're all interested in this plastic ring. I guess they know about power of Sauron's plastic that was made at the Mall. Stupid stories always get out, damn press," replied Elrond while flinging his hair around stupidly.  
  
"I see," said Gandalf.  
  
Meanwhile Frodo had gotten up and was running around hugging Pippin and Merry.  
  
"Like dude, this guy in a black dress stabbed you," said Merry.  
  
"He did," said Pippin, "It was scary."  
  
Sam held onto Frodo tight, "Yes so scary."  
  
"Sam," said Frodo in a high voice, "Please stop rubbing my butt."  
  
"Oh," replied Sam going red, "Sorry."  
  
And on the other side of Rivendell was the man who they now had know as Aragorn sitting next to Arwen, Elrond's daughter. "Aragorn," Arwen giggled idiotically, "What do you want to do?"  
  
"Get something to eat," said Aragorn thoughtfully, "So hungry I could he an elf."  
  
Arwen giggled again thinking that Aragorn wanted to eat her but realized he wasn't as he got up and walked off. "Stupid humans," she thought to herself.  
  
Aragorn walked through several hallways and realized he got had gotten lost in Rivendell. "Shit," he thought, "Stupid elvish palaces."  
  
And in another part of Rivendell sat a dwarf eyeing all the elvish maidens hungrily. "Mm," Gimli thought, "Like the rump on that sweetie. Wonder if she would like to meet Gimli's ax?"  
  
Nearby sat an elf with long blonde hair with piercing blue eyes wearing a black T-shirt that said, "Elves love Zep." His baggy blue jeans dragged against the floor over his heavy black boots covered in chains. He held a cigarette in one and hand and a beer in the other. Legolas Greenleaf of the woodland Row. The rebel of elves was he.  
  
Also nearby sat a twitching human. He had an attractive face but a paranoid attitude. He had been checked into many mental facilities but had been let on the loose by his brother. His name was Boromir. Son of the Steward of Gondor. Unfortunately he was a bit of a phsycho. Rumor was he was even suicidal. Listened to too much Nirvana is my guess.  
  
Soon Frodo, Gandalf, Elrond, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, and Boromir would all be gathered at Elrond's meeting (among with other dwarves, elves, and humans). Legolas thought it was a council but everyone yelled at him for calling it that.  
  
"We are gathered here to discuss this little plastic ring. Here Frodo put the ring on this rotting tree stump over here in front of me," said Elrond importantly.  
  
Frodo got up and walked over to the tree stump and put the ring onto it. Everyone watched the ring very hungrily except for the elves.  
  
"See this ring guys?" asked Elrond, "It's bad. We have to get rid of it."  
  
Suddenly the psycho Boromir stood up and said almost too calmly, "No way man! Give the ring to me! It's so cool it would accent my outfit." He turned around showing everyone is canary yellow boots and lime green jacket. Gimli glared at him.  
  
Aragorn stood up saying, "No, It's evil. And you're outfit sucks!"  
  
Boromir glared at Aragorn saying, "And what does a mere ranger know about fashion?"  
  
Legolas stood up saying after he had taken a good puff of a cigarette, "A hell of a lot more than you know anything. He is Aragorn son of Arathorn, heir to the Throne of Gondor. So you better watch your ass punk because I'm watching you," at that he pointed a threatening finger at Boromir and sat down again.  
  
"This is Aragorn?" said Boromir as he thought about how handsome Aragorn was and said, "I hope you die, king wannabe!"  
  
Aragorn gave him the finger and sat down again.  
  
Elrond continued once more, "We have to have someone take this ring to The Mall and destroy it in the Fountain of Doom."  
  
Boromir waved his hands around as he said, "One does not simply walk into The Mall. The parking lots are always filled with scary women drivers and the doors are guarded by fat security guards that could knock you over with their bellies. You must carry discount cards and coupons. It's not going to happen, it's folly ya'll."  
  
Legolas stood up and said, "Listen you little fucknut! Have you heard anything Lord Elrond has said? We have to get rid of the ring!"  
  
At this Gimli got up angrily and said, "And I bet you want to do this elf? Ha I would die before I saw a drugged up elf like you do shit!"  
  
At this Legolas had leaped onto Gimli and started punching him in the head. Everyone had jumped on everyone else except for Frodo and Elrond.  
  
"I'll take the ring," said Frodo.  
  
"Oh no," thought Elrond, "Not this wimpy again."  
  
"I WILL TAKE THE RING," said Frodo again louder.  
  
Everyone stopped at stared at him. Legolas was holding Gimli in a headlock while Gimli was trying to bite his hands.  
  
Quickly Gandalf went over to Frodo's side and said, "Yeah and I'll help as long as this is Frodo's job."  
  
Aragorn dropped a dwarf he had been kicking and said, "Me too."  
  
Legolas let Gimli out of the headlock and shoved him into a chair then walked over to Frodo and said, "Man, I'm pretty tight with a bow and arrow. I guess I'll help out too."  
  
Gimli agreed to help too along with Boromir.  
  
Soon Sam, Merry, and Pippin had come and they because part of the Fellowship (Elrond thought that sounded so cool) of the Bargain Ring.  
  
"Good luck," said Elrond.  
  
The end of Chapter 2  
  
I hope you liked this! Slash is coming soon!  
  
A lot of weird stuff is going to happen.  
  
My first character was introduced into this (Nataliawen). She'll be doing more in the 3rd chapter. 


	3. Elves, Men, and Dwarves

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR so don't bother me!  
  
Warning: This is rated R for sex, language, violence, and usage of drugs.  
  
Note: Still making evil typos. Ignore them. Review. Enjoy.  
  
The Lord of the Bargain Ring  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Elves, Men, and Dwarves  
  
  
  
"Elves are pretty queer," thought Frodo. "Dwarves are hairy. Men are greedy. Hobbits rule the world."  
  
He rolled over in his bed and thought more to himself, "I wonder what the Mall will be like. Will it be scary? Could I get hurt? Do I want to get rid of the ring?" At this he tossed around in his bed again. "I don't like Rivendell. I don't like the dark either."  
  
It was pitch dark outside. The moon was shining brightly down where Aragorn and Arwen were.  
  
"Aragorn I love you," said Arwen with tears running down her eyes, "Please say you love me too."  
  
"Arwen, you're insane." At this Aragorn walked away from her.  
  
Rivendell was way too big for him. He kept getting lost. "Damn it," he thought to himself. "Where am I going?"  
  
Nearby he heard a knocking noise. Then a thump. Bang bang, boom. "What the hell is that?" thought Aragorn.  
  
There was closet ahead. He walked up to it and opened the door. There sat Boromir with cuts all over his face and a dagger in his hands. Blood was dripping onto his lime green jacket. "Ahh!" he yelled when Aragorn had opened the closet.  
  
"What are you doing Boromir?" asked Aragorn frowning.  
  
"Hurting myself," said Boromir grinning insanely.  
  
"Why?" asked Aragorn pulling Boromir out of the closet.  
  
"Because I want to," said Boromir walking away from him.  
  
Aragorn raised his eyebrow but then disappeared down the hall trying to find his room.  
  
Meanwhile Sam was sneaking down the hallway from his bedroom. Tip toeing ever so quietly towards Frodo's bedroom. Then he ran into something solid.  
  
"Huh?" grunted Sam.  
  
"Who's there?" he heard in a soft whisper.  
  
"Sam," replied Sam in a whisper. "Who's this?"  
  
"Aragorn," replied Aragorn.  
  
"You're not going to Frodo's room too are you?" asked Sam stupidly.  
  
"No," replied Aragorn. "I'm trying to find my own room."  
  
"Oh," said Sam who had walked around Aragorn, "Good luck." At that Sam had disappeared into Frodo's room.  
  
Aragorn continued down the hallway still trying to find his room with no luck.  
  
In another part of Rivendell was Lord Elrond fast asleep snoring with Gimli by his side. Both were drunk, drugged up, and passed out. Who knows what had happened before they had fallen asleep.  
  
Alone in his room sat Legolas. He had incense burning and several candles. He sat at a desk writing in a notebook. Music was playing softly in the background but he jumped, as there was a knock at the door. He got up from the desk and walked over to the door opening it. There stood the bleeding Boromir.  
  
"What do you want?" asked Legolas looking at Boromir's cut face.  
  
"Drugs," replied the intoxicated Boromir.  
  
"I don't have drugs," replied Legolas eyeing Boromir suspiciously.  
  
"Yes you do," said Boromir.  
  
Legolas sighed and let him in. He went over to a mangy bag he carried and opened it up pulling out a little plastic bag full of a powdery white substance. Then he rummaged through another pocket pulling out a spoon. He walked over to Boromir and gave him the bag and the spoon. "Be careful with it," said Legolas.  
  
Boromir stuffed a golden book into Legolas' hands.  
  
Legolas was a trader. No not like Benedict Arnold, he traded things for drugs. Well people gave him stuff for drugs. How Boromir knew he did this sometimes, he didn't know.  
  
Boromir left the room and disappeared down the hall as Legolas looked at the book. It was nice. He added it to his personal collection of treasures.  
  
  
  
Down the hall in Pippin's room he laid there shivering. "I miss the Shire," he thought to himself. Unable to sleep he had gotten up and left his room walking down the hall. He knocked on the door of what he thought was Merry's room but soon realized it wasn't.  
  
Arwen had opened the door with tears running down her eyes. "Who are you?" she asked frowning.  
  
"Pippin," he replied in his high voice, "Who are you?"  
  
"Arwen," she replied wiping her eyes. "Why are you here?"  
  
"I thought this was my friend's room," he replied embarrassed.  
  
"Oh," said Arwen who broke into tears all over again.  
  
"What's the matter?" asked Pippin thoughtfully.  
  
"Come in," said Arwen and at that Pippin entered her room as she began to pour her heart out about all her problems.....  
  
Gandalf had just left one of the bathrooms after an exhilarating bubble bath. Oh the experience! He was walking down the hall in a towel and a plastic hair cap as he met Boromir. "AHH!" yelled Boromir.  
  
Boromir ran away at the site of Gandalf. What he really thought he had seen (This was after the usage of drugs) was a giant fat lady with her pet dragon eating snails.  
  
Gandalf shook his head. He had to talk to Legolas about how drugs were bad.  
  
  
  
Back in Frodo's room he laid with eyes opened. "Will I ever fall asleep?" he asked himself. As Sam cuddled up against him.  
  
The end of Chapter 3!  
  
Stick around! Major Slash coming!!! 


	4. How It Got More Corrupt

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. If I did I would be J.R.R. Tolkien (A genius) and I would be dead. Being dead would not be cool.  
  
Warning: Rated R for sex, drugs, violence, and language.  
  
Note: In Chapter 2 I note that Legolas wears a T-shirt saying, "Elves Love Zep." For all of you who don't know who Led Zeppelin, it was a rock band back in the 60's and 70's. I don't see why people wouldn't know this, but some of you are just not properly educated about great music. Of course Legolas likes Led Zeppelin because I like it and what is better than a drug dealing rock music loving elf? Well a queer Gandalf maybe, but I'm not making any promises.  
  
Another Note: Read, Review, and Enjoy.  
  
  
  
The Lord of the Bargain Ring  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Bad Situations  
  
  
  
"Who? What the fuck?" said Frodo as he jumped out of bed. "Who's in here?"  
  
"It's Sam, Mr. Frodo. Your Sam," replied Sam.  
  
"Ahh! Sam, what are you doing in my bed?"  
  
"I was scared, Mr. Frodo."  
  
"Sam, in the dark you almost feel like a female."  
  
"I know, Mr. Frodo."  
  
Frodo got back into bed and snuggled up to Sam.  
  
Gandalf went into his room and changed into pink pajamas with pictures of hearts all over them. He lit some scented candles and started playing a cd of Barry Manilow in the background. What a relaxing night this would be.  
  
Gandalf turned down his covers and got into bed pulling out a magazine that was in his nightstand next to him called, "Wizards Uncovered."  
  
In Arwen's room sat little Pippin listening to Arwen ramble about her problems. Pippin even felt sorry for her. As she broke into more tears about Aragorn, Pippin walked over and sat next to her trying to comfort her by patting her back. "It's okay Arwen. There are a lot other guys out there."  
  
"I guess," she responded trying to stop sobbing.  
  
"You'll find one who loves you and makes you feel special," replied Pippin.  
  
"Yeah, yes I guess so," she said not crying anymore.  
  
Pippin wiped her face with his hand. "Don't you worry about him."  
  
She leaned over and hugged the small hobbit. "Thanks Pippin. You're the nicest person I know."  
  
Pippin couldn't breathe under the pressure of her hug but decided it was better not to say anything about it because she might start bawling uncontrollably again.  
  
Boromir sat alone huddled in a corner in his room. Shivering and rocking back and forth. Too much drink, too much drugs, too much everything. He was plotting on the murder of the elf. He never liked the elf even after the elf gave him drugs. Stupid mean elves. Always causing trouble for him. He was going to kill the elf. Dumb blonde elves.  
  
Merry lay in his bed wondering when it would be morning. When you couldn't sleep the night just seemed to linger on and on. He could smell the scent of incense somewhere and another smell that smelled remotely like bubble bath.  
  
Legolas sat in his room still writing. He always felt a little guilty after giving someone drugs. What if in the morning Boromir was dead and it would be his fault? He sighed and closed his notebook and blew out his candles. He left his room to go look for Boromir.  
  
Meanwhile Aragorn was wandering down the hall still searching for his room. Then he heard a voice nearby say, "Who is there?"  
  
"Aragorn," said Aragorn wondering why he hadn't heard the other person walking. "Who are you?"  
  
"Legolas," said the voice of Legolas. "Why the hell aren't these hallways lighted up ever?"  
  
"Don't know," said Aragorn. "Where are you heading."  
  
"Uh," Legolas stuttered a little, "Going to find Boromir."  
  
"I saw him earlier," replied Aragorn thoughtfully, "He was trying to hurt himself in a closet. Been a little worried about him myself. Why are you trying to find him?"  
  
"I gave him something and now I want it back," said Legolas.  
  
Suddenly somebody came walking through the hallway with a lit candle. It was a female elf in a long baby pink-sleeping gown. Practically sheer noted Aragorn.  
  
"What's going on?" she asked.  
  
"Who are you?" asked Legolas.  
  
"Nataliawen," she replied. "What's going on?"  
  
"None of you're fucking concern," replied Legolas to the nosy elf.  
  
"There is some guy down the hall with a dagger looking from someone named Legolas," she said coldly.  
  
Aragorn looked at Legolas. "Boromir?"  
  
"I guess," said Legolas. "He's a lunatic. Okay, Nataliawen, go make yourself useful and help Aragorn find his room."  
  
"Hmph," went the female elf as she led Aragorn away.  
  
Meanwhile back in Frodo's room.  
  
"Frodo," said Sam.  
  
"Yeah?" replied Frodo.  
  
"I want you," said Sam in a seductive voice.  
  
"Yeah I would too if I were you," said Frodo.  
  
Sam snuggled closer to Frodo. "I'm scared Frodo," said Sam.  
  
"Why?" asked Frodo.  
  
"The Mall sounds really frightening," Sam squeaked. "It does," said Frodo finally.  
  
At this Sam wrapped his arm around Frodo.  
  
  
  
Elrond got up from being passed out. He looked outside and saw the sun was rising. He looked next to him seeing the dwarf. "Like oh my god," yelled Elrond, "I turned gay and I like dwarves!" he gasped.  
  
Gimli woke up and looked at Elrond then just screamed.  
  
Nataliawen had just led Aragorn to his room as he opened the door. "Ha, the sun is rising already," said Aragorn.  
  
"That it is," said the female elf. Her long dark hazelnut colored hair shimmered in the bit of light that was shining through the windows. Enticing for Aragorn.  
  
"Thanks for helping me get to my room," said Aragorn.  
  
"You're welcome," said Nataliawen.  
  
At this Aragorn grabbed her kissing her passionately and pulled her into his room.  
  
Boromir lay passed out in the hallway when Legolas found him. First Legolas took the dagger that was in Boromir's limp hand and pocketed it. Then he prodded Boromir awake. Boromir's eyes opened foggy and out of focus.  
  
"I was supposed to murder you," said the groggy Boromir.  
  
"I know," said Legolas. "Man you got to stop doing this to yourself."  
  
Boromir sat up against the wall. "Why do you care?"  
  
Legolas frowned saying, "I do care about people you know. I'm not just another asshole like you."  
  
Boromir coughed some and said, "I'm hungry."  
  
"Go eat then," said Legolas as he stood up and pulled Boromir up.  
  
"Thanks," said Boromir.  
  
"Yeah," said Legolas as he walked away from Boromir. He returned to his own room.  
  
Boromir went to go find some food.  
  
Meanwhile in Gandalf's room Gandalf lay still asleep with his magazine still in his hand. As the sun grew brighter grew brighter Gandalf opened his eyes. Time for a shower. Must always smell good, that was his number one rule. He ran through the hallway and went into the bathroom. Yes he was first into it. He turned on the water and got into the shower.  
  
Pippin woke up. He had fallen asleep in Arwen's room and Arwen was roaming around getting dressed. She didn't seem to care that she still had a young male hobbit in her room. "You're awake," she said gleefully, "Come on Pippin. I'll take you down to breakfast today."  
  
Pippin got up and followed Arwen out of the room. He didn't understand why Aragorn wouldn't like her.  
  
Speaking of Aragorn, the sexy devil had seduced Nataliawen. She giggled as he had shoved her onto his bed. He leapt onto her like a cat and started licking her neck. She began stripping away his clothes as he stripped away hers. Those two better do this safely or bad things could happen.  
  
Legolas luckily had a room where he had his own shower. He went into the bathroom taking off all his clothes and got into the shower. When he got out he wrapped a towel around his waist. Then he looked around the bathroom. Someone had stolen his clothes. He went into the bedroom and rummaged through his bag and could find any of his clothes. He growled, "Boromir, I'll get you for this!"  
  
He hurried out of his room and down into the breakfast area. It was like a giant buffet inside of Rivendell. Some of the female elves gasped and giggled at his dripping wet body and the towel around his waste. He gave them the finger and smirked as he saw Boromir who was sitting at a table eating applesauce. Holding his towel carefully he ran over to Boromir and punched him knocking Boromir over. "Where's my clothes?" yelled Legolas.  
  
Boromir looked at him innocently and said, "What are you talking about?"  
  
"My clothes you asswipe!" growled Legolas, "You stole my clothes!"  
  
"No I didn't, I swear," said Boromir who was developing a hideous black eye where Legolas punched him.  
  
Then a servant walking by them turned right around as she tried to hide the fact she was holding a wastebasket full of clothes. Legolas suddenly turned around and stared at the servant. "My clothes!" he yelled.  
  
"I'm sorry sir, I saw them laying around in the room and I thought they were trash," said the poor servant.  
  
"Give me my clothes!" he said as he grabbed the basket and stormed out of the banquet hall madly returning to his room and putting his clothes on.  
  
When he finished dressing (Another black T-shirt that said, "You look at me cause I'm an elf, I look at you because you're stupid.") he went down to the breakfast room again and sat down next to Boromir. Boromir was trying to shield himself thinking that Legolas was going to hit him again. "Sorry," said Legolas softly.  
  
Boromir said nothing. Soon Aragorn came down looking like he just got a shower. He had a proud look on his face. Sitting next to Legolas he said, "You know that elf Nataliawen?"  
  
"Yeah," said Legolas.  
  
"I banged her," said Aragorn puffing up.  
  
"Gimli banged her Elrond," said Boromir in a dull voice like he was talking about the weather.  
  
"Elrond?" asked Aragorn and Legolas at the same time.  
  
"Sure did," said Boromir.  
  
"That's disgusting," said Legolas as he pushed away a plate of food.  
  
They sat there talking for the rest of the morning.  
  
Frodo and Sam got up out of bed. "Thanks for keeping me warm, Sam," said Frodo.  
  
"Anytime Mr. Frodo, a little body heat can go a long way," replied Sam.  
  
Arwen and Pippin met Merry down in the breakfast room and they ate together.  
  
Gandalf almost drowned in the bathtub.  
  
Gimli puked into a bathtub and Elrond try to commit suicide but it didn't work. The end of Chapter 4!  
  
I hope you liked this! Stay around for Chapter 5!  
  
Review please! 


	5. The Carnival

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR so don't bug me  
  
Warning: Rated R for stuff  
  
Note: Read it damn it. I'm intoxicated off of Sprite. By the way, be patient for more Slash.  
  
Lord of the Bargain Ring  
  
Chapter 5  
  
The Carnival  
  
After Frodo had had breakfast he went out on a balcony to enjoy the view when he heard a voice in back of him say, "Why aren't you watching my store?"  
  
Frodo turned and gasped as the nude Bilbo stood there. "Bilbo?" said Frodo.  
  
"Who else do you think I am," said Bilbo smartly.  
  
"Put some clothes on," said Frodo making a sickened face.  
  
"But I like to be free Frodo!" yelled Bilbo insanely, "So why aren't you watching the store?"  
  
"Because of this," growled Frodo angrily pulling out the cheap plastic ring with the picture of the cat on it.  
  
Bilbo eyed it then said, "THE PRECIOUSSSSS!"  
  
"Oh shut up," replied Frodo he walked away and said, "Put some clothes on and then I'll talk to you."  
  
"Will I be able to pet the precious?" asked Bilbo hopefully.  
  
"No," said Frodo being quite freaked out.  
  
Meanwhile in Elrond's room.  
  
Elrond paced back and forth saying, "I did not do it with a male dwarf, I did not do it with a male dwarf," over and over again. Then he turned and looked at Gimli who sat there looking like he was going to vomit again. "Like oh my god I slept with a male dwarf!" At this he started hyperventilating madly.  
  
Back in the Banquet Hall sat Legolas, Boromir, and Aragorn.  
  
"I've banged her, and her. Oh yeah and her over there," went on Aragorn.  
  
Legolas interrupted, "Why do you bang ugly whores?"  
  
Aragorn gasped, "You're saying this about your own kind!" he eyed Legolas suspiciously, "Are you a homo?"  
  
"Please," replied Legolas he rested his head on his hand.  
  
"You didn't answer me," said Aragorn.  
  
"No I'm not okay?" replied Legolas who seemed to be quite red in the face.  
  
Boromir giggled stupidly. "Legolas," he said in a whisper, "I want some ish!"  
  
"Ish?" replied Legolas confused.  
  
"Ish!" said Boromir enthusiastically.  
  
"What's ish?" asked Aragorn interested.  
  
"Nothing," said Legolas quickly.  
  
"Ish is my special medicine," said Boromir.  
  
"Oh my god," said Aragorn, "You're having sex with Boromir?"  
  
"Eww! No," said Legolas angrily.  
  
Boromir giggled again even more insanely, "Don't lie sugar bunches!"  
  
Legolas glared at him evilly and Boromir puckered his lips out. Legolas punched him and he fell off his seat and lay passed out on the floor while being trampled by Legolas' stupid fans that were asking for his autograph. Poor rude drug dealing elf.  
  
Aragorn pouted saying, "I want groupies too."  
  
Gandalf got out of the bathtub more wrinkled than what he already was. He put on a long red dress and tied his hair back. "I look so hot," he said to himself in the mirror. He kept forgetting to shave his beard, which made him look.well just plain queer (especially with a dress on)  
  
Pippin and Merry sat there blankly with Arwen who kept eyeing Aragorn eagerly. "Oh stop doing that, damn it," said Merry. "He doesn't want your ugly ass!"  
  
Arwen broke into tears and left the table.  
  
"Why did you do that?" asked Pippin. "It's true!" said Merry.  
  
"She's not an ugly ass!" replied Pippin angrily.  
  
"You know what Pippin? Whatever! Dude you used to be cool and now you've gone soft. You're just a girl," said Merry.  
  
"What the hell?" asked Pippin, "Listen up man. I feel sorry for her!"  
  
"Why? She's just another skank whore loser that should be selling her body in Rohan," replied Merry glaring at Pippin.  
  
"Forget you," said Pippin getting up and throwing his napkin down leaving the banquet room.  
  
"Well, well.Uh, well Forget you TOO!" yelled Merry back lamely.  
  
After Elrond had dressed he requested the fellowship into a large gathering area outside. There they all stood. Boromir in his pimp gear, the hobbits in capris and flip flops, Gandalf in his red dress, Aragorn in an overcoat and jeans (did he ever wash that stuff?), Gimli in a plaid shirt and khakis, and Legolas in his usual clothes (black T-shirt and jeans).  
  
"Thank you for all attending my birthday party," said Elrond.  
  
"What are you talking about?" asked Gandalf.  
  
"Oh wait, sorry wrong speech," said Elrond clearing his throat. "Uh, yes now um.The Fellow of the Bargain ring. I thank you guys for doing this," he winked at Gimli who blushed madly, "And good luck." At this he scampered back into the building.  
  
They all turned and began walking. They were heading for The Mall at last.  
  
"Gandalf," said Legolas, "Which way are we heading?"  
  
"First we have to go through the Carnival," replied Gandalf thoughtfully.  
  
"The Carnival?" asked Boromir, "What madness is this?"  
  
Gandalf shook his head. "It's dangerous, like I know guys. But we have to get through the Carnival before we'll be any where close to The Mall."  
  
So there they went. It took days and night before they reached "Happy Wonderland Mountain Carnival." Aragorn gasped as many children and people ran around them hustling over to the games and rides. "Gandalf! This will be impossible!"  
  
"Like no way!" said Gandalf. "We'll get through!"  
  
"Fuck it!" yelled Boromir; "We won't survive this!"  
  
The crowd bustled around them more. Shoving them this way and that and Legolas could only give oh so many people his middle finger at a time.  
  
"God damn you fools!" yelled Legolas, "Let us through!"  
  
They pushed their way into the crowd more but it was useless. A small boy with a lollipop kicked Boromir in the nuts.  
  
Boromir got out a sword and started running after the kid but the kid disappeared into the crowd. "ARGH!" yelled Boromir.  
  
Gimli yelled, "I think we should go through the Dwarves Carnival."  
  
"The dwarves carnival?" asked Frodo curiously.  
  
"No, Gimli," said Gandalf quickly, "That place would give us all the willies."  
  
"We would be welcomed more graciously," said Gimli impatiently.  
  
"Gimli, the Dwarves Carnival is scary!" yelled Gandalf.  
  
"But it would be an easier route," replied Gimli.  
  
"Let the bargain ring choose," said Gandalf.  
  
"I choose the dwarf place," said Frodo. One thing was for sure; at least they would be shorter than the people here would.  
  
So they left the Carnival and headed towards the Dwarves Carnival.  
  
They arrived at a deserted carnival with broken rides and abandoned game and food counters.  
  
"What is this?" asked Pippin. "This place IS scary."  
  
"Where is everyone?" asked Legolas surveying all the ground with his Elvish eyes.  
  
"I don't understand," said Gimli. "The dwarves were here. My cousin Balin owned this joint."  
  
Gandalf led them forth and said, "This place is frightening, we must beware, something unwanted hides, in the darkness in its lair."  
  
"Dude," said Merry, "That rhymed."  
  
"Sure did," said Gandalf proud at his own cleverness.  
  
They head forward into the Dwarf Carnival grounds. Soon they came to the end of it where there was the hugest tent you could ever see, made of pure stone and cheap cloth. They began walking inside of it and Gimli yelled, "There are bunch of dead dwarves here!"  
  
"This is a fucking tomb!" yelled Boromir.  
  
Legolas picked up a rubber red nose and said, "Clowns."  
  
Suddenly from in back of them a small fountain erupted and a gigantic Jack in the Box popped up. It grabbed for Frodo. Aragorn and Boromir ran at it and started stabbing madly. Legolas shot a bunch of arrows.  
  
The Jack in the Box knocked Boromir into Merry. Merry fell over and so did Pippin. Aragorn leapt onto the Jack in the Box and bit it. Frodo fell and Legolas caught him. "Oh Legolas, what strong arms you have!" said Frodo gleefully.  
  
Legolas frowned dropping the hobbit as they ran inside the tent again. Aragorn broke free of the Jack's grip and ran inside. The Jack in the Box hit the tent forcefully and the entrance collapsed.  
  
They had to go through the Tent of the Dwarves Carnival.  
  
End of Chapter 5  
  
Review please. 


	6. The Tent

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR so don't bug me.  
  
Warning: Rated R for stuff  
  
Note: Last chapter was odd. Slash is becoming hard to fit in but I have some ideas for it now. So people who want Slash calm down! There is going to be Slash. I'm just trying to develop the story so you know what the characters are like because they are obviously a tiny bit different from the actual LOTR (A tiny bit, Ha!).  
  
I was finding the whole Elrond/Gimli thing amusing. Who would of thought?  
  
  
  
The Lord of the Bargain Ring  
  
Chapter 6  
  
The Tent  
  
The tent was dark in damp. Frodo believed it was once where a great dwarf circus was held. Every time there was a small noise Sam would huddle up next to Frodo or even grab his hand. What a loyal friend, he wanted to make sure nothing would happen to Frodo.  
  
Boromir spoke quietly, "This place was inhabited by dwarves. Amazing. What happened to them all?"  
  
Legolas said again as he had said earlier, "Clowns."  
  
Boromir frowned, "What?"  
  
"Nevermind," replied Legolas.  
  
They continued walking until the reached a new room. It had collapsed trapeze and tight ropes everywhere.  
  
"Looks like it all just collapsed," said Aragorn.  
  
"Totally," said Gandalf.  
  
"Gandalf don't you think we should rest?" said Aragorn.  
  
Gandalf looked around. He didn't like the idea of staying in such a creepy place. "I guess we should. Everyone does look sleepy," said Gandalf finally.  
  
They all got their sleeping bags out from their bags that they had packed. They unrolled the sleeping backs the hobbits, Gandalf, and Aragorn got inside theirs. Frodo and Sam shared one, strangely enough.  
  
Legolas sat down where they had been several stands for dwarves to sit during the circus. He looked around the lonesome place. Boromir came over and sat next to him. He had a razor blade out and had been cutting into his wrists. Blood trickled down his hands and dampened his lime green jacket.  
  
Legolas furrowed his eyebrows watching Boromir do this to himself. Finally he spoke, "Why are you doing this?"  
  
"It relieves my pain," said Boromir insanely.  
  
"No man, it causes your pain. Don't be a prick. You need to stop this shit," said Legolas angrily.  
  
Boromir smiled then said, "Why do you care so much?"  
  
"I don't like seeing people hurt themselves purposely," Legolas said in a quiet voice.  
  
They sat there for a moment then Legolas said, "Boromir, stop trying to grab my ass."  
  
"Why?" said the demented Boromir.  
  
"Stop it," said Legolas once more.  
  
"I don't want to," said Boromir.  
  
"Fuck you," said Legolas as he got up and walked over to where the others were and got into his sleeping bag.  
  
"Will you?" said Boromir smartly.  
  
He too went and got inside his sleeping bag. Most of them drifted of to sleep. When it was time to get up Gandalf made them hurry through breakfast.  
  
"Sam what did you pack for us today?" said Aragorn hungrily.  
  
"Spam," replied Sam.  
  
"Sperm?" asked Boromir.  
  
"No dumb ass," said Sam once more, "Spam. Canned meat."  
  
"Boromir tried to can Legolas' meat last night," said Pippin mischievously.  
  
Legolas shot Pippin a death glare but Pippin just giggled along with Aragorn who had started choking on his share of the Spam and laughing.  
  
Legolas said coldly to Aragorn, "Look it's Aragorn. He's choking on canned cock."  
  
Aragorn laughed even more saying through coughs and giggles, "Legolas is gay!"  
  
Boromir said softly, "I'll can Legolas' cock and eat it for breakfast."  
  
"I'll kill you," said Legolas feeling like everyone was taking him out and bugging him, "If you don't do it to yourself, you suicidal little prick."  
  
Gandalf stared at Boromir saying, "Oh my staff! You're suicidal?"  
  
Boromir shook his head no.  
  
"Turn your wrists around, Boromir," said Legolas quickly, "Show us that you're not suicidal."  
  
Boromir gulped and turned his wrists around revealing his raw slightly severed wrists.  
  
"EWW!" squeaked Gandalf, "That's gross!"  
  
Pippin spit out his Spam and started puking everywhere.  
  
"I'm thinking when we get out of this tent Boromir should see a psychiatrist," said Aragorn who decided not to eat anymore.  
  
Boromir stared at the ground and said nothing. It was time for them to walk again. They walked for a long while until they reached a place where the two different caves branched off. Gandalf thought they should through the doorway where it smelled less like sweat.  
  
So they kept going until they reached a place that was empty except for several old cannons that were lying around. Gimli suddenly ran into a small room where there was a tomb and started crying. "NOOOOOOO!" he said. "THE CLOWNS MURDERED POOR BALIN!"  
  
They all followed Gimli. Gandalf found an old comic book and began reading it aloud. "Batman and Robin sat alone in the dungeon. The noises grow louder down the hall. Boom crash BAM! "Holy Macaroni," went Robin, "We are gonna die!" Bam bam BOOM!" at this Gandalf finished dramatically and said, "They are coming."  
  
Pippin stumbled backwards and hit an old cannon that rolled backwards and hit the wall.  
  
They could hear distant yells and laughter down the hall. Squeaking noses and loud rumbling.  
  
Legolas said even more dramatically, "Alas my heart is being warned. We cannot linger. The Clowns are coming."  
  
Gandalf said to Pippin, "It's okay sweetie, everything will come out peaches and cream!"  
  
Pippin smiled blankly as Gandalf pinched his cheek (and it was a cheek on his face either).  
  
Frodo hid behind Sam who stood there bravely behind Aragorn.  
  
"Oh fuck," said Aragorn as he got his sword out. Boromir too unsheathed his sword, as did Gandalf.  
  
Gimli readied his ax as he says, "I better not get blood on my khakis. It will stain and these are from Gap."  
  
Legolas whipped out an arrow and fitted it into the bow before you could say, "What?" He narrowed his eyes at the opening of the tent. Any moment they would crash through and attack.  
  
Suddenly they came crashing in. Hundreds of clowns came in with their fake flowers the sprayed water, rubber noses, and evil faces.  
  
The clowns began shooting rubber noses at everyone. Then they began squirting water around evilly. Then a louder noise was heard. Sounding like thunder a giant chimpanzee entered with a face of malice.  
  
"It looks like it has rabies," said Merry. "It's like, dude, foaming everywhere!"  
  
"Kill them all, boys!" yelled Aragorn.  
  
He leaped across the floor and onto a clown beheading it. Legolas shot an arrow that flew through the air like the speed of light and hit a clown in between the eyes. He fell as his black blood leaked out onto his makeup.  
  
Boromir swung his sword at the chimpanzee that tried to kick him. Gandalf swung around his sword clumsily ranting about breaking his nails. Gimli got a little spot of blood on his khakis after he massacred a clown. "All right! That's it. No more playing around!" shouted Gimli.  
  
He began killing clowns like swatting flies. Legolas had climbed up the tent quickly and did a back flip onto chimpanzee. He shot it multiple times in the head before the chimp flicked him off. Boromir yelled over to Legolas, "You okay?"  
  
"Yeah," said Legolas getting out his daggers and started stabbing clowns with them.  
  
Frodo played hide and go seek with the chimp. He got hurt as usual. "What a wimp," thought Aragorn.  
  
Eventually they killed off the rest of them.  
  
Running through the tent at top speed they stopped when they heard a noise that sounded like a million giants jumping. "What was that?" asked Gimli.  
  
They heard a roar. "RUN," said Gandalf.  
  
They ran but they soon realized that they were being followed closely by a giant fire-breathing clown. They ran across a tight rope as Gandalf stood there confronting the fire-breathing clown. "Like, go away!" yelled Gandalf fiercely. The clown tried to step on him with his enormous shoe. "Oh no you didn't bitch!" yelled Gandalf again.  
  
"I shall shield myself with my magical magic staffy poo!" screamed Gandalf. The tight rope broke. The clown fell. Gandalf held onto the rope for a moment. Frodo tried to run to help him but Boromir stopped him. Gandalf said simply, "Don't watch me fall. I'm not wearing underwear."  
  
At this they all ran out of The Dwarf Carnival Tent.  
  
They sat there crying. Legolas looked very confused. Aragorn ordered them to leave. Boromir tried to make out with Legolas to comfort him. Legolas punched him out.  
  
They would continue their journey.  
  
The End of Chapter 6  
  
What will happen next? Like you, I have no idea.  
  
Review please. 


	7. Places

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR, if I did I wouldn't be alive.  
  
Warning: Rated R because I said so!  
  
Someone asked if all the Fellowship was gay and I'm sorry I cannot release any information such as that at the moment. Just keep reading and reviewing and you'll find out!  
  
Note: Thanks everyone whom has reviewed! I really appreciate the comments. It's definitely has made me try to improve. Anyway it's 1:54 A.M. so this should be an interesting chapter.  
  
The Lord of the Bargain Ring  
  
Chapter 7  
  
New Places  
They all sat and stood around silently. After a few minutes Aragorn spoke. "I am officially scarred for life. He was right about not wearing underwear."  
  
Boromir mumbled, "Have some respect for the fallen. Let us be sad for poor Gandalf."  
  
"Listen Boromir," replied Aragorn angrily, "I'm in charge now. We're getting out of here soon. I mean by the time it's night there are going to be a bunch clowns out here attacking us!"  
  
So they began walking. "Where are we going," asked Legolas.  
  
"Not sure," said Aragorn, "I'll tell the others that I have a particular destination but it's a secret. I hope they don't ask too many questions."  
  
"They're stupid, but not that stupid," replied the elf with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"Yeah sure," said Aragorn as he turned to the others saying, "Hello all. Just wanted to say that we are heading to a secret destination! No need for worry! Aragorn has it all under control."  
  
They all nodded stupidly as he turned and Legolas shook his head at him.  
  
Soon they reached a place that they never could have imagined.  
  
"LaLaLaLorien," read Merry out loud. "Grocery store."  
  
The hobbits oohed and the men ahhed and Legolas glared at a woman coming out of the store.  
  
They walked inside the grocery store to be greeted by several elves holding apples threatening to throw them at them. "Who are you?" asked one elf with long blonde hair.  
  
"Well," said Aragorn glancing down at the elf's name tag, "Haldir assistant manager of LaLaLaLorien, I'm an Aragorn son of Arathorn and this is my posse."  
  
"I'm down with dat," said Merry.  
  
Legolas came forward and looked at the elf Haldir straight in the eyes. "What's the idea, punk?" he asked. "What's the deal with you copying my hair? Let us through before I rip out your ears and plaster them to your ass where your brain is."  
  
"Kinky," said Boromir softly.  
  
Legolas punched Boromir who sunk to the grown shielding is bloody nose. "Fuck!" he yelled.  
  
Haldir glared at Legolas while saying, "No way bucko! And my hair is way better anyway."  
  
Legolas blinked in shock then lunged at Haldir but Aragorn pulled him back. "Not today, Legolas," said the man.  
  
Legolas sunk to the back of the fellowship sulking.  
  
Haldir spoke once more, "Who are all of you?"  
  
"We're on an important mission. Take us to your leader," replied Aragorn.  
  
"Fine," said Haldir as he motioned them to follow him. They walked through the aisles, climbed over displays of cans, until they reached a door that said, "Employees Only."  
  
"You will soon meet the Manager of all of LalalaLorien," said Haldir finally after he led them into the room. After winding down some paths through cardboard boxes they finally reached another door. Then entered what looked like an Elven Whorehouse.  
  
"Oh boy!" said Aragorn excitedly.  
  
"What is this place," mumbled the entranced Boromir.  
  
"Hello Galadriel," said Haldir casually.  
  
An Elven woman with long blonde locks emerged from behind a table. She wore what looked like someone from the sixties would have worn. A long skirt with a scarf wrapped around it that was bright green and blue with a flowered blouse that matched perfectly.  
  
"Haldir," she responded. "I can't find my "The Who" record."  
  
"The what?" asked Haldir.  
  
"The Who," she said again.  
  
"I don't understand," responded Haldir.  
  
"Get educated," she said finally. Then she noticed another elf standing next to her. He was holding her "The Who" record.  
  
"It was on the floor," said Legolas.  
  
"Oh! Thanks! You can have a raise!" said Galadriel.  
  
"He doesn't work for you," said Aragorn. "He's part of my posse."  
  
"Posse?" asked Galadriel confused.  
  
"Yo Yo Yo!" said Merry.  
  
"Fizzle dizzle dawg!" said Pippin.  
  
At this point Galadriel was very confused. "Actually," said Frodo, "We're part of a Fellowship out to destroy an evil little plastic ring."  
  
Soon they heard an insanely munching sound. They turned and looked at Gimli who was eating cheese cracker snacks. When he saw their eyes on himself he quickly put the cracker behind his back and said, "Wha arye yoau all loothkin' ath?"  
  
"Gimli, you have crackers in your beard," said Boromir.  
  
Gimli swallowed quickly saying, "Never!"  
  
Galadriel smiled at the dwarf with big warm eyes. "Those are magic crackers! You'll have a surprise in a few hours! But anyway! I thought Gandalf was with you all?"  
  
"He was," said Aragorn, "But that prick fell in The Dwarf Tent."  
  
"That's terrible," replied Galadriel taking a swig of straight vodka, "So you're all getting rid of that tacky ring? That's cool."  
  
"It's NOT TACKY!" yelled Frodo insanely.  
  
Sam began rubbing Frodo's back while saying, "Of course it isn't"  
  
Galadriel eyed Frodo with unfocused eyes as she took another gulp of vodka.  
  
"Holy shit," said Legolas as he ran over to a table and picked up a cigarette. "I need one really bad," he looked at Galadriel.  
  
"Take all you want!" said Galadriel.  
  
Legolas took a cigarette lighting it and started puffing it madly.  
  
Boromir said softly, "That's a bad habit."  
  
"Shut up suicide boy," said Legolas exhaling the smoke into Boromir's face.  
  
"You'll find LalalaLorien most comfortable. Everyone thinks we are just a simple grocery but they don't know of our paradise back here!" said Galadriel drunkenly.  
  
"What's up with the crystal blue lights?" asked Aragorn looking around.  
  
"Leftovers from the store! Waste not want not!" warbled the elf woman. "We only have a certain amount of room so I'm gonna pair you guys up!"  
  
"Oh!" said Sam happily holding onto Frodo's arm tightly.  
  
"Lemme see. . ." she continued, "Fat hobbit and pretty blue eyed hobbit you get to be roomies!" At that an elf came up and led them away. "Aragorn guy and dwarf,Gruff guy with slit wrists and elf, two little hobbits together! There!"  
  
Soon they were all led away to their rooms while Legolas complained about having to share a room with Boromir.  
  
Oh fun! LalalaLorien is going to be so fun!"  
  
The End  
  
Wait for the next chapter! 


	8. Messed Up

Disclaimer- I do not own LOTR or the characters. If you don't like my story.well why the hell are you looking at the 8th chapter if you don't like it?  
  
Warning- Rated R.  
  
Author Notes: Oh I love making author notes makes me feel so damn special. Anyway, this chapter is going to be different. Sorry it took so long for me to make this. I was seriously considering not continuing the story if more people did not review but I decided to keep it going for the people who do seem to like it. I love you guys! Without you I wouldn't be writing this fucked up story! Thanks! =)  
The Lord of the Bargain Ring  
  
Chapter 8  
  
Messed Up Mornings  
Aragorn and Gimli entered their room. It was a vision, an art, and the most beautiful thing ever. Gimli dropped his backpack onto one of the beds as he looked around. "Aragorn, get a load of this room!" he said excitedly.  
  
Aragorn took off his weapons and dropped his bag onto the other bed. "This place is the shit," he replied.  
  
Gimli crawled onto his bed and started hopping around stupidly. "Weee!" he screamed as he happily jumped around.  
  
Aragorn laughed at the crazed dwarf as he started looking around more closely to the room. He opened one of the nightstand's drawers and started laughing madly. "Look Gimli! They keep condoms in the drawers!"  
  
Gimli fell off of his bed and ran over looking into the drawer picking up one of the condom packages looking at it closely. "Cherry flavored? What do you suppose they need flavors for?"  
  
Aragorn stared at Gimli in disbelief, "Flavors Gimli, flavors! You know what the flavors are for right?"  
  
"If I did I wouldn't of asked 'What do they need flavors for'," replied the dwarf smartly.  
  
Aragorn shook his head and sat on his bed and took off his boots laughing.  
  
Meanwhile in Frodo and Sam's room Frodo and Sam had just discovered the condoms in their nightstand's drawers too.  
  
"Strawberry flavored sexual items," said Sam raising his eyebrow at Frodo.  
  
Frodo giggled saying, "Strawberry? What do you need that for?"  
  
"I expect you put it on your member," replied Sam thoughtfully.  
  
"Your member?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Your member, your throbbing manhood, your sausage!" replied Sam enthusiacstically.  
  
"You've read way too many love novels. Anyway I know what you do with it. We use to carry some at Bilbo's Bargain Warehouse."  
  
Sam eyed Frodo hungrily saying, "What do you say we try one out?"  
  
Frodo frowned at Sam saying, "Sam, I noticed you've been a bit touchy feely and I didn't want to say anything about it but this is where it stops!"  
  
"Why Frodo?" asked Sam with bright eyes, "Why? There is a whole world of things we could do together. There are no limits!"  
  
Frodo backed up against a wall shaking his head, "No, Sam."  
  
Sam pouted and sat on his bed thinking of ways that he could molest Frodo without Frodo thinking it was molestation.  
Pippin sat down in a chair as Merry unpacked his stuff. "Gee, Merry this place is really nice," said Pippin.  
  
"Hell yeah dude," replied Merry.  
  
"Can I tell you a secret?" asked Pippin uncertainly.  
  
"Sure, Pip," said Merry taking out a teddybear from his bag.  
  
"I miss Arwen."  
  
"What? Why?"  
  
"She was nice and pretty."  
  
"You liked that Aragorn reject?"  
  
"She wasn't an Aragorn reject," said Pippin angrily.  
  
"She was dude! She wanted Aragorn and Aragorn didn't want her! She was rejected," replied Merry.  
  
"This is why we got into our first fight Merry! You just don't understand or try too!" whined Pippin as he got up and stormed out of the room.  
  
"WELL FINE," yelled Merry throwing his teddybear at the wall.  
  
"That's teddybear abuse," said a voice standing in the doorway of the room.  
  
Merry turned looking at Boromir who stood there. "What do you want?" asked Merry.  
  
"I have one of your bags. Remember you were making me carry your luggage for you?" said the human.  
  
"Oh yeah thanks," said Merry taking the bag.  
  
"What's the matter with Pippin," asked Boromir.  
  
"He's a little lame bitch," replied Merry sitting down on his bed.  
  
"I see," said Boromir with a raise eyebrow, "Well I'll just be going then." At this he disappeared quickly.  
  
Legolas stood alone in his room dreading when Boromir would return. He rummaged through his bag taking out Nirvana cd inserting it into his Walkman. He sang along with "Lithium" as he looked for his notebook. Before he had found it Boromir walked in looking at him strangely. "Are you singing?" asked Boromir with a puzzled look upon his face.  
  
Legolas turned around in surprise looking at Boromir, "Uh maybe," he responded.  
  
"Interesting," said Boromir, "I like the line about you being horny."  
  
"Wait, how long have you been standing there?" asked the elf.  
  
"Long enough to know you most definitely should be on Broadway," replied Boromir as he began unpacking his things.  
  
"Broadway? That's like gay land!" yelled Legolas fiercely.  
  
"It's really nice. You really should see 'Phantom of the Opera' sometime," said the man.  
  
"Shut the fuck up you droopy dick," said Legolas.  
  
"Now it's those sudden outbursts of rage that totally mess you up. You don't even want to take a good compliment when you get one," Boromir replied as he took out a shirt from his bag that read, "Homosexuals are gay."  
  
"Broadway if for sissies, people like you," mumbled the elf.  
  
"I'm not a sissy. I just have more elite tastes than you."  
  
"Like hell you do."  
  
"Whatever you want to believe Legolas. You know I'm just a horrible person because I like certain music and dress differently."  
  
"Yeah basically," said Legolas sitting on his bed.  
  
"And you know what Legolas? It's people like you that make people like me want to be dead."  
  
Legolas frowned at Boromir not able to think of a good reply. Instead he just rummaged through his bag for the cigarettes he took and quickly took out one lighting it and began puffing quickly.  
  
"Stop smoking, it's not good for you," said Boromir.  
  
"I have to smoke. Smoke is good. Yes, yes nicotine."  
  
Boromir shook his head. "If you are going to do it leave the room."  
  
"Fine," said Legolas as he left. "If I don't come back later I'm either finding a new room or dead."  
  
At this he left the room as Boromir sat there alone.  
  
Legolas wandered the halls until he reached a room that intrigued him. It was dimly lit and there seemed to be something going on inside. Several elves were walking around in very skimpy attire. He entered walking slowly. Soon he reached the back of the room and there in a chair sat Galadriel. She smiled at him offering him her hand. He took her hand and he led her into a small room that was brightly lit.  
  
"I can tell you your fortune," she said in her deep voice.  
  
"You're shitting me," said Legolas surprised.  
  
"No, I am not shitting you," replied Galadriel.  
  
"Well what's my fortune then?" asked Legolas.  
  
"You and a beautiful lady will make wonderful love," said Galadriel.  
  
"Really? Who?" asked Legolas.  
  
Galadriel his hand and pulled him closer. "Guess?"  
  
"Don't tell me Arwen, I already met her she's not hot at all," said Legolas thinking.  
  
"Really?" asked Galadriel as he started licking his neck and pulling off his shirt.  
  
"Wait, don't say it's a guy dressed as a woman or something. That's creepy you know," he said not paying attention.  
  
"Oh she is all woman," Galadriel mumbled as he started licking his chest.  
  
"Is she like woman woman or elf woman?" he asked.  
  
"Oh she is an elf woman," said Galadriel as he unbuckled his jeans sliding them down his legs.  
  
"An elf woman you say?" he said. "Oh no, it's Arwen isn't it?"  
  
"Not Arwen," Galadriel warbled as he started pulling down his underwear squealing with glee at the sight of his . . . part.  
  
"There's like a fucking draft in here," said Legolas but then he looked down. "Holy shit! Aren't you like married?" He scrambled falling down trying to pull his pants up again.  
  
"Who knows, who cares!" said Galadriel eyeing him. "All I know is I love a man who knows his music!"  
  
He pulled on his jeans and grabbed his shirt putting it on, "You said make wonderful love with beautiful elf woman. Number 1: You're not beautiful. Number 2: You barely look like a woman. Number 3: I doubt you could make wonderful love anyway. I'm out of here," he said as he left quickly hurrying out.  
  
The End of Chapter 8!  
  
I sort of focused a lot on Legolas in this chapter. He seems to be a favorite (I wonder why?). Anyway I'm already working on the next chapter. Please review! I'm still considering not continuing this story if I don't get some more interest in it. 


	9. Anything

Disclaimer- I don't own Lord of the Rings nor the characters, so bug off! That's why this is on a fan fiction website anyway.  
  
Author's Notes: Does anyone read these anyway? Oh well I'm still going to write them. It's currently 1:41 AM and I have a piano recital tomorrow. I've consumed a lot of Little Debbie snacks today and Cherry Pepsi. Oh fun!  
  
Special Note: THANKS EVERYONE WHO HAS REVIEWED! It's really great. I still haven't had that much interest in the story, which has disappointed me. How come those stories with the girls falling into Lord of the Rings do better than mine? Geez!  
  
The Lord of the Bargain Ring  
  
Chapter 9  
  
Anything  
"And then she pulled down my pants and it was fucking gross!" said Legolas frantically pacing back and forth in his room shared with Boromir. Boromir sat there rubbing his facial hair in thought.  
  
Finally he said, "Can you blame her though? You're young and attractive. She old used, tattered, and worn. Who in their right mind would want that crazy hag anyway?"  
  
Legolas shook his head collapsing into a chair, "Some really hard up loser."  
Meanwhile Aragorn was wandering the halls looking for one of those handy ice machines. Not having much luck he happened to wander into the same room that Legolas had gone into. It was dark and the elves were dancing around. "Woah!" said Aragorn out loud; "This is like the elf Moulin Rouge!"  
  
Galadriel saw him and rushed over to him quickly saying, "Aragorn! How grand to see you again," caressing his rough face with her hand. "Oh, stubble!"  
  
"Yeah the manly unshaven look," replied Aragorn grinning.  
  
"I like it so much," said Galadriel in a seductive voice.  
  
"You must, replied Aragorn while observing her closely, "You seem to be having that look too?"  
  
"What?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah . . . When was the last time you shaved? You have like this giant hair growing off your chin right there," said Aragorn while sticking his finger on her chin. "Eww, it's growing out of some kind of mole."  
  
Galadriel burst into tears and rushed away saying nobody understood the fine beauty of hairy women.  
  
Aragorn shrugged and left looking for a place to go take a piss.  
  
Pippin knocked on Sam and Frodo's door softly waiting for someone to answer. Sam sulked over to the door opening it saying, "Oh hi Pippin."  
  
"Hi," said Pippin moodily.  
  
"What's up?" asked Sam.  
  
Pippin looked around seeing Frodo laying on his book immersed in some kind of hobbit porn magazine then looked back at Sam saying, "Merry is such a dipshit."  
  
Sam looked over at Frodo then led Pippin out of the room closing the door behind him. "Aye, what did Mr. Brandybuck do?"  
  
"Well," said Pippin blushing, "I said I missed Arwen and he was so mean about it!"  
  
"Arwen?" replied Sam grinning, "Er, why exactly do you miss her?"  
  
"She was my friend," said Pippin. "Anyway can I sleep in your room tonight?"  
  
Sam raised his eyebrows but in the end agreed and said he would let Pippin share a bed with him.  
  
Eventually everyone got back to their rooms and went to sleep. Nothing exactly interesting happened except for when Pippin realized Sam was massaging his legs for him.  
  
The next morning they all got up and gathered their things saying goodbye to Galadriel who snubbed Aragorn majorly.  
  
After walking a while they reached a deserted neighborhood. It was dark and gloomy. The houses were large and Victorian looking but bare and lonely.  
  
"What is this place?" asked Gimli outloud.  
  
Everyone was looking around curiously except Boromir who was at the very back of the Fellowship poking himself with a sharp rock he found on the road.  
  
"I don't know but it sure gives me the willies," noted Aragorn to the others.  
  
"Dude," Merry said quietly, "The hair on my feet are standing up."  
  
Sam clutched Frodo's arm saying, "I sure wish we were back at the Bilbo's Bargain Warehouse again." Frodo agreed.  
  
Legolas sunk down to the ground and put his ear to the dusty road. Finally he rose from the ground and spoke, "The ground sings a song of old times from when it was once alive."  
  
"What does it say, Legolas?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"It goes something like . . .  
  
Who are you and why are you here?  
  
Can't you see I'm dangerous? Aren't you overwhelmed with fear?  
  
Can't you see I'm dangerous?  
  
These roads got, broken glass Bottle caps and old boxes Enough to cut your asses You sexy fellowship foxes I remember when I was young The children played on me No I'm not Michael Jackson I let the children be I remember the women who got mad And left their husbands at home I remember when the bums Just came around and roamed So why are you here? Can't you see I'm deserted?  
  
I'm drunk from spilled beer  
  
Yo, what rhymes with deserted? Hurted, dirted, alerted?"  
  
Legolas finished dramatically.  
  
"What a sad song," said Pippin wiping his eyes.  
  
Boromir stopped poking himself with the sharp rock and said, "What's going on?"  
  
Frodo turned looking at Boromir and said, "Boy you've got problems."  
  
Boromir shrugged and picked up a jagged piece of glass and started poking himself with that.  
  
Aragorn said after a minute of silence, "I get it now. This place . . ."  
  
Everyone turned to look at him to see what he would say.  
  
He continued, "This place is deserted."  
  
"Duh," they all said together.  
  
Legolas shook his head mumbling about how he should be the leader of the group.  
  
"You know what guys?" said Pippin finally. "I'm ready to quit. So what if an evil plastic ring takes over the world and destroys us all? We're getting nowhere and if we keep going to places like this we're just going to be lost. I vote for quitting."  
  
"Shut up halfling," Legolas said, "Nobody listened to you in the book or movie and nobody is going to listen to you now."  
  
Pippin's cheeks went bright pink as he looked down to the ground without another word.  
  
"For once I sort of agree with Pippin," said Merry, "We're getting nowhere."  
  
"You shut up too," replied Legolas, "What makes you think you're any better than he is? You're both equally stupid. So when you two get some god damn brains you can decide what we're going to do, until then shut up. Anyway I seriously think that we are getting nowhere and we should probably turn back."  
  
Suddenly Boromir leapt forward and pulled down Legolas pants. Legolas fell down as Boromir tried to attack him. "GET OFF ME," yelled Legolas.  
  
Suddenly they all stopped. They heard a noise. It was a scratching noise. Boromir got up and unsheathed his sword waving it frantically in the air yelling, "You can take my life but ye can never take my freedom!"  
  
Aragorn covered Boromir's mouth before he could do another ghastly imitation. They all stood quite still waiting. They heard rustling in the bushes. The wind swept through and felt rather icy. Legolas whispered, "We are being watched."  
  
"INTRUDERS!" Boromir leapt forward again yelling insanely.  
  
Nothing happened. They all breathed again just as they heard a crash.  
  
Out of the bushes ran . . .  
  
The End of Chapter 9  
  
It's chapter 9! Review please! 


	10. I hate pants

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings nor claim to. This is on a fan fiction website for goodness sakes. Do I have to keep repeating this silly disclaimer?  
  
Author's Notes: I got a lovely review from a girl who is an avid reader of my story. It was such a great review I had to mention it! Thanks! Anyway I'm going to kick in some fun stuff in this chapter. If you've liked my story so far, um well I hope you still like after this. Still hoping for reviews. ^.^ (By the way I got a new character into this. I felt like we were missing something ever since the sad fall of Gandalf and the character does in fact belong to me.)  
  
The Lord of the Bargain Ring  
  
Chapter 10  
  
I Hate Pants  
  
Legolas struggled to pull up his pants quickly as out of the bushes ran what appeared to be a girl. She was dirty and many leaves were stuck to her practically bare body. Boromir waved his sword furiously at her in ill attempts to attack but he missed and almost cut off Aragorn's head.  
  
She growled at them baring her stained teeth. Frodo whimpered as Sam held him closely. Merry covered his nose saying outloud, "When was the last time you and a toothbrush met?"  
  
She growled once more then grunted out the words, "Get out." She stooped close to the ground hanging her arms like an ape over her legs jumping around in the dirt.  
  
Suddenly Aragorn started hopping up and down pointing saying, "Who does she remind you of?"  
  
She hopped around some more grunting out words like, "precioussssss dirtssssssses," and "Sssssstupid vissssitorssss."  
  
"Oh are we playing charades? How delightful!" said Pippin rubbing his hands together excitedly.  
  
Legolas stared at her with large eyes but said nothing. He had obviously never witnessed such dirtiness on one person.  
  
"She more has more soil on her than the average garden," said Gimli who was even disgusted.  
  
"But guys," said Aragorn once more, "Who does she remind you of?"  
  
She started singing about something none of them could understand.  
  
"Well dude, with that lisp, she reminds me of Gandalf," said Merry thoughtfully.  
  
She seemed to come back to reality after a few minutes and starting yelling insane jumbled words at them. Legolas stepped back cautiously as did Gimli who stared at her with complete contempt. She began waving threatening fingers at them all.  
  
Merry continued, "She reminds me of Sam's mom after that time I touched her . . . onions."  
  
Sam shot a death glare at Merry who purposely did not see it.  
  
"No," said Legolas finally, "She seems to be copying Gollum. Now why the hell she would want to copy that dumb ass is beyond my knowledge, but she is."  
  
"Did Gollum have a daughter?" asked Frodo in an abnormally squeaky voice.  
  
"Not that I know of," said Aragorn rubbing his manly stubble.  
  
Gimli came forward looking at her hard saying, "What do you suppose we do with the thing?"  
  
"Now don't be rude, Mr. Dwarf," said Aragorn. "You might frighten the poor thing. She seems so messed up already."  
  
In the back Legolas had lit up a cigarette taking a puff of it. The dirty girl's eyes widened at the sight of the cigarette and drew closer. She walked crouched over then hopped over Gimli's head and landed in front of Legolas reaching up to the cigarette that was in his mouth.  
  
"Argh," said Legolas, "Get off."  
  
"Argh?" asked Boromir, "Are we like pirates now. Ahoy matey!" Suddenly Boromir ripped off fabric from his shirt tying it around his head making an odd looking eye patch and started jumping around wildly. "We are pirates now!"  
  
While Legolas was staring at Boromir's weird outburst the girl jumped up grabbing the cigarette from his mouth.  
  
"Oh damn it!" said Legolas, "Give it back!"  
  
She stood there a moment looking at it but then at Legolas' words she promptly gave it back.  
  
He took it replacing it in his mouth taking a puff then flicking off the end of the cigarette.  
  
"It seems that Legolas has a way with dumb creatures," said Aragorn who eyed Boromir.  
  
Boromir stopped playing pirates then said, "Excuse me? Was that an insult? I do not appreciate the bad attitudes around her. Long have I tried to establish that everyone just treats me badly? Alas, I do not desire attention but the respect of--- Oh a butterfly!" At this Boromir ran around in a circle chasing a small blue butterfly that flew around his head.  
  
"I do not have a way with her," Legolas said, "She just got scared and gave it back."  
  
"And why do you suppose a wild creature like her got scared?" asked Aragorn.  
  
The elf stood there blankly thinking.  
  
"Wait," said Aragorn smartly, "I know why. It's because you have a way with her. She understands you. Obviously you can speak to the dumb."  
  
Legolas frowned at Aragorn while replying, "You did not just say I'm dumb, punk."  
  
Aragorn said softly, "I never said that at all."  
  
"But you were implying that. Oh yeah you were. To be able to communicate with the dumb means you have to be dumb in the first place. You're so asking for a nice kicking of the ass," Legolas replied threateningly.  
  
At this moment Legolas began to shout at Aragorn and the girl became extremely fascinated with Boromir's personalities. Sam clutched Frodo closer once more.  
  
The shouting went on for several good long minutes but it stopped when they heard thunder. It was the loudest thing they had ever heard and it went through the deserted town like a thousand echoes. The girl who had seemed to become taken with Boromir's strangeness motioned for them to follow. They weren't exactly sure if they should but they did regardless.  
  
She led them into one particular abandoned house that had a broken mailbox and half the shingles were off the roof. Most of the windows looked as if someone had punched through them.  
  
Inside though, it was different. It was grand. From the inside it seemed as though it looked nothing like it was on the outside. The windows did not even appear to be shattered when you were inside. In front of them lay a large crimson rug and a large winding spiral staircase that seemed to go up for ages. To the left was what seemed to be the kitchen and to the right was a den where they figured guests must have once been entertained. The girl suddenly stood upright and said in an almost normal voice, "Welcome to my home."  
  
It seemed strange for her to speak for she had never done so before.  
  
"Uh, who exactly are you?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"I'm Catalina," she said with a big smile baring her disgusting teeth again. Then she began to hiss and sputter something else out that frightened Frodo so much he almost fainted. Sam would have loved that, a chance to give him mouth to mouth.  
  
"Who are you?" she asked back.  
  
"We're um, door to door salesmen. We have weapons, mind you," replied Aragorn who was not keen to give her any information.  
  
"Neat," she said as she hissed something else.  
  
"What is this place?" asked Gimli looking around what seemed to be a lovely home.  
  
"Like I said, my home," she repeated.  
  
Boromir was now running into walls convinced that if he tried hard enough he could go through them. Her eyes suddenly flickered over to him and she grinned seeming pleased. It was good entertainment for her.  
  
"How long have you been in this place?" asked Pippin staring at the ceiling that depicted several angels flying through space.  
  
"Since I was jus' little I guess," she answered solemnly.  
  
"How come you talk like Gollum sometimes?" asked Aragorn suspiciously.  
  
"Oh Gollum, he's following you," she said.  
  
"No shit," said Legolas.  
  
Her attention was then turned to Legolas who she stared at for a while and then started hissing and muttering words again.  
  
"I say we hit the road, fellows," said Gimli quickly. The sooner they left this dump the better.  
  
"No! Wait, Nobody has been here in forever. It's so lonely being all by yourself," said Catalina quickly.  
  
"We really should be going though," said Frodo feebly.  
  
"But you can't, and there is a storm!" she said fiercely. "Please, stay the night."  
  
They all looked at eachother unsure of what to do. Legolas whispered, "She's small and frail. I think we can take her if she tries anything."  
  
In the end Aragorn agreed and she hopped up and down with glee.  
  
She showed them the den where Legolas suddenly became interested in the large white grand piano that sat there. He sat down rubbing his light fingers over the old ivory keys, which needed to be dusted. Slowly he began to play "Moonlight Sonata" making all the dramatic parts of the song stand out.  
  
The others sat and listened. Boromir was entranced with a spider-web that was in the corner of the room. Catalina disappeared and brought back some tea in some cups with chips and nicks in them. They all drank thirstily.  
  
She began to tell Aragorn about the people who used to live there but were driven away by Saruman's new bar hoppers that came the town ruining everything. It was obviously a fairly recent event even though it had seemed as though these places had been abandoned for many more years.  
  
Scattered applause ran through the room as Legolas finished playing. He stood up and sunk into a corner saying nothing. Boromir walked dramatically over to the piano sitting down. He ran his fingers over the keys too then raised his arms into the air then suddenly brought them down again where they slammed against the keys as he began playing "Chopsticks."  
  
Pippin raised his eyebrow and Gimli was overcome with laughs.  
  
Aragorn listened to the girl talk on then he finally said after she had lost his attention, "You need a bath."  
  
She frowned and looked down at the ground. "Oh."  
  
Aragorn then volunteered to help her get one and she stupidly agreed. How naive was she?  
  
So she led him to the bathroom where he turned on a nozzle to the water. He rummaged through his bag and got out some bath oils and body washes.  
  
"First, how old are you?" he asked uncertainly.  
  
"Eighteen," she responded, "Why?"  
  
"Oh good," he said breathing again.  
  
He set down the oils and washes down on the bathtub and he got her out a rag. "Girl, I'm going to make you look like a star!"  
  
Back down where the others were Merry and Pippin were searching for food. "Look Pippin!" said Merry excitedly, "Carrots!"  
  
Sam appeared looking to the refrigerator too saying, "Carrots?"  
  
"Yes!" Pippin said.  
  
Sam grabbed a carrot and a cucumber out then left the room.  
  
"What do you suppose he needs those for?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Dude, you're stupid," responded Merry shaking is head.  
  
In the den Boromir began to tell them all a story about how he lost his virginity to a girl named Martha.  
  
Legolas said softly from the corner, "Bet she was invisible or her real name was Martin."  
  
Boromir scowled.  
  
"I thought Boromir was a fag," said Gimli thoughtfully.  
  
"Me too," said the elf smirking.  
  
"No I'm not! You guys are so hurtful," at this Boromir got up and tried to walk through the walls again.  
  
"Hey, Legolas," said Gimli in a whisper, "I don't like this place. I don't remember this as one of the places we were supposed to be going through anyway."  
  
"I think Aragorn is lost, that dumb fuck," responded Legolas in his already soft voice.  
  
"Where is the dweeb anyway?" asked the dwarf glancing around.  
  
"I saw him leave the room a while ago with that dog of a girl," said Legolas crossing his arms while leaning against the wall.  
  
Just then Aragorn came into the den bowing then said, "I now present, Catalina!"  
  
He moved to the side as he walked in wearing one of Legolas T-shirts and a pair of Frodo's pants when appeared to be capris on her.  
  
Legolas pointed saying, "Hey that's my shirt!"  
  
"Those are my pants," said Frodo.  
  
"Sorry guys, she couldn't fit my clothes. Mine are too manly for her," said Aragorn.  
  
"Don't give me that shit," said the elf, "My T-shirt is like four times too big for her."  
  
"Still you're smaller than us," said Aragorn impatiently.  
  
She stood there with clean hair, which was quite shiny, and a lovely light honey color. She flashed a smile of pearly whites. Her skin was pale shining brightly the color of porcelain, so clean.  
  
Legolas pouted as his shirt that said, "Touch me, I'm Elvish," was on her.  
  
She sat down and said, "Thanks a lot, Aragorn."  
  
"No problem," he responded.  
  
When she left the room to try to pry Pippin and Merry out of her refrigerator Gimli said to Aragorn, "Aragorn, when are we leaving?"  
  
"Tomorrow," said Aragorn.  
  
"Why are we even staying here," asked Boromir who seemed to be normal right now.  
  
"Because it's storming and the poor girl is lonely," said Aragorn rubbing his hands together.  
  
Sam shook his head disapprovingly.  
  
"Come on guys, how much can it hurt?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"I think you're lost, Aragorn," said Legolas, "And staying here is just wasting our precious time."  
  
"Oh shut up you 'I know everything' Elf," responded Aragorn angrily.  
  
Legolas flashed his middle finger at Aragorn saying, "Fuck off."  
  
Catalina returned dragging Pippin and Merry in.  
  
They all began to talk together. She was still under the impression that they were door to door salesmen. Every couple of minutes she would still hiss and sputter things.  
  
It was getting darker and darker outside, soon would be time for bed.  
  
Legolas' pants seemed to be torn from earlier when Boromir had jumped on him. "Damn, I hate pant," he said while he stood up with the others waiting to be to their rooms.  
  
The End of Chapter 10  
  
I know it was really weird with the girl, but you know it was just something. She seriously has mental problems too. Tsk, tsk. Anyway, PLEASE REVIEW! Thanks a lot! 


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